Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
