our cab driver is having phone sex.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Randomize
