OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Randomize
