how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
Banned from zoo.
Again?
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
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