my phone needs a breathalizer
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
