I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Randomize
