So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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