I wish my penis had an off switch
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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