This is not my ceiling
this just has baby written all over it
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
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