I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
