I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
