This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
