Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Randomize
