I think I am morally bankrupt
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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