you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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