Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
