I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
