I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize