Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Randomize
