Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
