I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
i dont even know how to be here
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Randomize
