She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
