Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Randomize
