Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
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