have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
sarcasm needs its own font
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
