Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
