If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I would ride that face into the sunset
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Randomize
