I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
he high fived his dick after we had sex
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