My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Randomize
