I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
