tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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