brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
