His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I supernannyed him into submission
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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