so that wasnt chicken after all
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Randomize
