I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Randomize
