who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
