Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
