If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
