bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
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