someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
