i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
