The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
