Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
