I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Randomize
