I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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