6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
as a side note pls kill me
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
