Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
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