I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
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