I think I died a long time ago.
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
Randomize
