ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
did i walk over a car last night?
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Randomize
