just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
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