I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
