Duck Duck Cougar?
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
