When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
