Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
