I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
