he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
