someone threw a dead crab at me
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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