I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
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